Five Months Older

 
  The Second World War had begun, and John wanted to join the army, but he was only 16 years old, and boys were allowed to join only if they were over 18. So when the army doctor examined him, he said that he was 18.
 
  But John's brother had joined the army a few days before, and the same doctor had examined him too. This doctor remembered the older boy's family name, so when he saw John's papers, he was surprised.
 
  "How old are you?" he said.
 
  "Eighteen, sir," said John.
 
  "But your brother was eighteen, too," said the doctor. "Are you twins?"
 
  "Oh, no, sir," said John, and his face went red. "My brother is five months older than I am."
 

   The Same Duties

 
  A retired four-star general ran into his former orderly, also retired, in a Manhattan bar and spent the rest of the evening persuading him to come work for him as his valet. "Your duties will be exactly the same as they were in the army," the general said. "Nothing to it-you'll catch on again fast."
 
  Next morning promptly at eight o'clock, the ex-orderly entered the ex-general's bedroom, pulled open the drapes, gave the general a gentle shake, strode around the other side of the bed, spanked his employer's wife on her bottom and said, "OK, sweetheart, it's back to the village for you."
 

   Dick was seven years old, and his sister, Catherine, was five. One day their mother took them to their aunt's house to play while she went to the big city to buy some new clothes.

 
  The children played for an hour, and then at half past four their aunt took Dick into the kitchen. She gave him a nice cake and a knife and said to him, "Now here's a knife, Dick. Cut this cake in half and give one of the pieces to your sister, but remember to do it like a gentleman."
 
  "Like a gentleman?" Dick asked. "How do gentlemen do it?"
 
  "They always give the bigger piece to the other person." answered his aunt at once.
 
  "Oh" said Dick. He thought about this for a few seconds. Then he took the cake to his sister and said to her,"Cut this cake in half, Catherine.".
 

   Are you going to treat me?

 
  An American actress came to China for the first time. One day when she was looking for her new Chinese friend after a performance, she came across an anxious Chinese who had always wanted to practice his English with native speakers, but had never found the chance. When he saw the actress, he went up and exchanged greetings, then started his practice.
 
  “How old are you?”
 
  “I’m sorry. Please don’t ask a lady about her age,” the actress said uneasily.
 
  “How much do you earn each month?” the Chinese tried hard to recall this sentence from his textbook.
 
  “Sorry again. We don’t feel like telling others about that either, “ she again refused to answer.
 
  “Have you had lunch?” the Chinese tried again to show his traditional way of greeting.
 
  “No, are you planning to treat me to a meal?’ she asked in surprise.
 

   I Have His Ear in My Pocket

 
  Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked, "What happened?"
 
  "A kid bit me," replied Ivan.
 
  "Would you recognize him if you saw him again?" asked his mother.
 
  "I'd know him any where," said Ivan. "I have his ear in my pocket."
 

   Give up your seat to a lady

 
  Little Johnny says "Mom, when I was on the bus with Daddy this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady."
 
  "You've done the right thing," says Mommy.
 
  "But Mommy, I was sitting on daddy's lap."
 

   Mrs Brown was going out for the day. She locked the house and tacked a note for the milkman on the door: NOBODY HOME. DON'T LEAVE ANYTHING.

 
  When she got back that night, she found her door broken open and her house ransacked. On the note she had left, she found the following message added:
 
  THANKS! WE HAVEN'T LEFT ANYTHING!
 

   One evening I drove my husband's car to the shopping mall.

 
  On my return, I noticed that how dusty the outside of his car was and cleaned it up a bit.When I finally entered the house, I called out.'The woman who loves
 
  you the most in the world just cleaned your headlights and windshield.'
 
  My husband looked up and said, 'Mom's here?'